my baby

I never pictured it ending like this with you laying in a hole dug with my own hands at the park
near a rose bush because it was the only nice place I could think of and how it ended with me up
above all breathing and alive and well in body but never in mind and and you down there

choking in dirt as your bones rot into soil and for that I am sorry

you see I didn’t think it would happen like this even if everyone said there wasn’t any hope for
me wearing shoes that didn’t even lace up they were so worn and eating bread for every meal
and how I couldn’t figure out how to stay okay long enough to get a job and a decent meal so we
sometimes went for days walking going round the city just trying to find scraps to fill the bag I

held so we could be alright

except it wasn’t all bad like some people think

we had a nice apartment passed down from my father with a kitchen and a bed and we had my
favorite dress blue with songbirds chirping a pattern and sometimes I sang and you danced

around like you were real happy in there

and I didn’t try to make you so don’t go around thinking it was intentional but maybe I should’ve
tried harder and then maybe you wouldn’t have existed and you wouldn’t hurt so bad and I
wouldn’t have a once-there now-gone pit inside of me that I can’t have ever filled again

so no

I don’t think it’s right when people cross their brows at me and preach a poem of You Should

Have Been Better because I was doing the damn best I could

and don’t get this wrong even though I didn’t try to make you I never once not wanted you

now you’re sleeping down there and I can’t reach you anymore and I will not ever be there to rub
my hands along your tiny back and comfort you again and for that I am the most sorry that

anyone could ever be

the best feeling was your slippery head in my cupped hands of blood and your lumpy purple legs
too skinny already no good for walking or thinking or living but you had your barely formed

fingers wrapped around my whole heart just squeezing just holding me

you held me

and even though your end came around in such a no good way I still am grateful for you because

carrying you was my favorite version of me

Alina Kroll

Biography: Alina Kroll is a fourth-year student majoring in English literature and creative writing at Oregon State University. She currently works in OSU’s undergraduate writing center, is the president of the OSU’s Student Literary Club, and volunteers at OSU’s undergraduate literary magazine. Outside of school, Alina enjoys spending time with her pet mouse and cooking massive pots of soup each weekend. She plans to pursue a career in writing fiction novels and personal narratives after graduating.

Artist Statement: My works are typically defined by deeply introspective narrators who are occasionally drawn towards the morbid and unsettling circumstances that surround their lives. I am interested in making unusual experiences feel familiar by creating characters that, although strange, also feel vivid and believable. I have recently been exploring themes of how grief evolves over time and why each person experiences loss in a different way.

Social Media: @alina_kroll_

Published in Volume 144, Storyteller!